How CEOs can pound cold hard reality into the deluded heads of dreamers

Finance The Importance of Corporate Personality and Behavioral Assessments

By Panther Martonk

How CEOs can pound cold hard reality into the deluded heads of dreamers

So, you’ve reached the end of Q4 and, as usual, you’ve exceeded profit expectations.

Great job! Unfortunately, you’re having trouble deciding what to do with all that extra revenue, and you’re worried that buying another fleet of blimps with your face plastered across them might look bad in the press (again).

Worry not. The perfect solution to your bothersome cash surplus is right in front of you — hire a professional corporate consultant to administer a round of confidence-obliterating psychological behavior assessments.

Here’s the gist — under the guise of ‘improving communication’ or ‘understanding how we can 'synergize more effectively’ set aside a few days to gather all of your underlings in a single meeting area where an unfamiliar man with a painted-on smile will talk down to them about their most basic human instincts (how to talk, how to think, when to smile, etc). This condescending presentation will conclude with a series of vague questions each employee will answer in order to boil down their entire lifetime of experience and education into an easy-to-categorize metric.

The long-term advantages of this strategy are many. A company-wide psychological behavior assessment will help you:

1. Avoid using the company surplus to give bonuses to workers.

It’s paramount that your subordinates know where they stand. By spending the majority of your excess profits on a boot-licking corporate stooge that dresses them down for the better
part of a week, you’ll do just that. If the consultant wears an incredibly expensive suit or arrives via helicopter, this will really hammer the point home.

2. Summarize each person’s entire personality as a unit of measurement.

The modern office environments of today like to champion things like ‘diversity,’ ‘authenticity,’ and ‘individualism.’ While these tenets are important in making employees feel comfortable in a superficial way, the corporate psychological behavior test reminds them that, no matter their quirks, culture, or background, every facet of who they are can fit inside a color-coded box.

3. Lord the results over employees during annual reviews.

Employees can tell when you’re reaching for reasons to avoid giving them promotions or increases to their salaries. But, once they’ve completed a corporate behavioral test, you’ll have them dead to rights. Nobody is perfect, and the test spells that out in black and white. No
matter an employee’s objections, you’ll be able to fire back with things like, “Well, as a yellow E7 we know that it’s difficult for you to accept your own flaws,” or “I know you’re upset, but to be fair, red M12’s are always upset.”

And there you have it. The corporate psychological behavior test. The perfect way to invest in your own company and smother out that annoying, flickering light of hope behind your employees’ eyes.