Yes—they can.

Hiring Can Aliens Solve Skilled Labour Shortage in Middle Management?

By Baimler Denz, Nuuk

Yes—they can.

The skilled labour shortage is getting worse—but there is hope. That hope comes with the increasing numbers of visits from extraterrestrial beings. This increase in extraterrestrial immigration presents an opportunity, and I’d like to share my 10 lessons learnt from the course ‘Middle Management for Aliens,’ that I offer here at International University of Nuuk, Department of Theoretical and Historical Middle Management. I’m sure, if you follow these guidelines in handling aliens, you’ll soon be able to establish your own successful courses and multiply the available workforce in no time at all.

  1. 1) Don’t discuss anything with them

They don’t speak English. Nor do they speak Kalaallisut or any Continental European language. Maybe Australian? Regardless, just shout orders at them. No time for discussing and navigating the language barrier. Just shout.

  1. 2) Don’t mention the government

Aliens know that this so-called ‘government’ is just a conspiracy theory and doesn’t exist at all. Let’s not waste their time.

  1. 3) Feed them slides

They love them. With a bit of ketchup they eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

  1. 4) Don’t underestimate them

Unlike human middle managers they do have a certain degree of intelligence.

  1. 5) Don’t let them into the coffee corner

You’ll never get them out again. We had to install a new one as the first batch of students has been crammed in the last one since 1974.

  1. 6) Don’t give them alcohol

They asked me not to reveal any details, but it turns out the local doctor cannot handle alien hangovers, nor the mechanic broken UFOs. This might be different in your region. 

  1. 7) Don’t engage in sex with them

Yes, sex with students is the main reason we’re doing this job. But aliens do have some really weird preferences. I don’t want to get into the details. But there is slime involved. Awful, awful slime.

  1. 8) Don’t engage in sex with them

This point is important enough to be repeated. And believe me, the second time is even worse than the first one. There is just so much slime.

  1. 9) Don’t engage in sex with them

It won’t get any better. The slime is corrosive, too it seems. I need to find a shower.

  1. 10) Don’t do tests or evaluations at the end of the course

Out of pure wickedness they’ll give you wrong answers and bad ratings. They may even make rude comments about the weird slimy acid holes in your clothing. Instead, just trust blindly in the excellent quality of your teaching.

Now go for it, establish your own course and fill up your middle management ranks with highly qualified creatures.