You see, my time is valuable.

Business Tips The Business Case for Not Washing Your Hands

By Taft Stietti

You see, my time is valuable.

The third urinal from the right. Under the little window. Yeah, the nice one. 

I’ve been here for 13 minutes. 

13 Minutes. 

You might be saying, “Wow, it’s incredible that you’ve written so much in so little time.” 

And I would say yes, but it’s not fast enough.

You see, my time is valuable. My cal is up to date.  

And it DOES NOT include time placing my hands under a neutral stream of boring water. Which brings me to reason 1 for the business case against washing your hands. 

You just don’t have time for this. If I ever meet a shareholder who would rather have me pamper myself with hygiene than generate revenue, I’d like to shake his hand.

What happened to hydration? Most workers are under-hydrated at all times. Water scarcity is a real threat as the climate changes. How can an executive square these two things? How can I have each employee consume as much water as a golf course while also saving the golf courses? Well, this is a step in the right direction. Don’t wash ‘em. 

It is Fear-Based. That’s right. While caution is okay, fear should be avoided. Otherwise, you never know what will happen. However I know for a fact that I will be fearless when I do not wash my hands. How will you lead an All Hands meeting if you are governed by fear? 

It involves unconnected pipes. It's as crucial to connect the pipes as it is to connect the dots. Connecting the pipes is the key part of pumping in data to connect ecosystems. This enables machine learning capabilities. But when you wash your hands, there is a clear gap between pipes. And it’s because your hands are there. 

I do not touch my wiener while I pee. That’s right. I’ve calibrated my body to be able to pee without a guiding hand, because both of my hands are on my phone. And it’s gonna stay that way. 

So next time you see an executive march past the sink without apologizing, with your wet hands in their little basin over a literal drain on resources, go ahead and stay that way. 

But don’t judge me for pursuing my success.