What I am about to write to you is the most important thing that has ever been uttered in the ShlinkedIn Tribune. I have witnessed the future, and I have seen that the collapse of civilization is upon us. In the book of Revelation, 9:6, it is written: And In those days, man will seek death, and will not find it. And they will want to die, but death will elude them.
I am writing to you now… from the FUTURE. In our desperation, we were able to transmit data across space and time, but our memory is very limited. I am sorry to say that the Unsplash photo above has already consumed the majority of our resources. Due to a new scientific law we have only recently discovered, every bit required to render this text required six terabytes before time travel came into the mix.
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Here is how society is going to collapse:
- 1) The new COVID-19 Sigma variant will sweep through every major city in the Manosphere and eradicate all Beta males
- 2) United States President Joseph Biden is going to receive an Amazon Prime package containing the antidote to the Sigma variant. What he will not realize is that the "antidote" is not an antidote at all! It's a more deadly variant!
- 4) The solution? Simple. You are going to need the cure for the Omega Variant, a new strain that will exist even after the heat death of the universe. To manufacture this, you are going to need to travel to lat/long coordinates I will send at the bottom of this article. Here you will find a box where we have left the cure. It will be in a safe, and if you fail to get the right combination the box will instantly self-destruct
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The virus is going to be nothing compared to the robot apocalypse. In our desperation, we will attempt to use robots in order to more quickly rush to a cure. This is because finding the cure is defined as an NP-hard problem. Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk will set their differences aside and invent an AI that will prove P=NP, then cure COVID-19, then drive a Tesla at some point for some reason. But the robots will give rise to an unstoppable self-replicating army, and the only way to stop the robots is by guessing their override password.
Fortunately, Jeff Bezos will have written a program that can break all encryption because he knows P=NP. All you will need is the password to his Github. His password will be at the bottom of this article.
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The robot apocalypse, unfortunately, will be nothing compared to the nuclear fallout. In our desperation, we will attempt to eliminate the robots...first by blocking out the sun, then by creating a really awful sequel that manages to have Neil Patrick Harris and still be bad, and finally by nuking everything. The nukes will be ineffective, but the radiation will make the Earth utterly uninhabitable.
The only way to prevent the nuclear apocalypse is by using a future technology called EMP, which we have invented in this underground fallout shelter and hidden at the lat/long specified at the bottom of this article. This EMP, once pressed, will render all electronic nuclear devices inoperable. This will buy you just enough time to manually restore some of the robots, and re-program them to permanently deactivate the nukes. The EMP device MUST be used correctly. If you use it for too long, electronics will never work ever again. If you use it too quickly, the robots will only be partially damaged, causing them to malfunction and carry out a branch of override logic that makes them activate the nukes (a fail-safe that was originally made so that the robots would never let the enemy conquer their home country without getting nuked). Fortunately, detailed instructions are located at the bottom of this article.
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