“Safety is the last thing on our mind"

Finance Peloton Stock Plummets After Missing Child Death Estimates

By Aaron Harper

“Safety is the last thing on our mind"

Optimistic investors expected Peloton’s new treadmill model to drastically increase accidental child deaths, but their latest earnings call revealed trouble at the iconic fitness company.

The Child Death Index (CDI) is a key metric in predicting future profitability, since it closely correlates with both increased revenue and decreased focused on safety. “Safety is the last thing on our mind,” said newly-minted CEO Barry McCarthy. “We’re 100% focused on increasing sales. Every child we kill is a sign that we’re making the right decisions for our shareholders.”

In a bid to quell investor anxiety, McCarthy announced a new treadmill model guaranteed to flout even the most basic safety standards. He says that the new model, rumored to be named Peloton Tread Deathtrap, will be released by Q4 2022.